Harmony Roots Positive Parent Coaching | Erin A. Hoppe, Parent Coach

Positive, Peaceful Parenting IS:

• Where the adult understands their own reactions and emotions play a huge role in their child's well-being.  For an adult to stay calm and grounded when their child is having big emotions (which isn't always easy :)) can allow the adult to truly show up for their child when they need it the most!  The adult is showing the child they are a safe place when they are having big emotions and their calm presence can help to co-regulate the child's emotions. 

• There are open lines of communication between the adult and the child.  They feel safe coming to you with their problems and victories in their day to day lives.  Kids are awesome problem solvers when we give them the opportunity to participate in the conversation verses just "telling them what to do, because I said so."  They are also more likely to want to a part of the solution rather than the problem.

• Connection and mutual trust is fostered in a Positive, Peaceful Parent/Child relationship.  Through this connection and open communication, kids start to operate with integrity and values and develop their own moral compass. Their will to cooperate and "do good" in the world becomes intrinsic rather than them just being compliant.

• Ultimately, there becomes JOY and PEACE in the parent/child relationship which for both parents and kids can be such an enjoyable journey!  For kids, their self-esteem and emotional intelligence are enhanced and they are sent the message "You matter and you are safe."  This is such an important foundation of inner strength for kids, especially when they reach the teenage years!

• The parent's love and support is unconditional.

Positive, Peaceful Parenting is NOT:

• Where we use strategies or punishments that cause emotional or physical harm in the name of "good behavior."  These strategies would be spanking, hitting or any kind of strategy that essentially says "if you don't behave in a certain way, you can't be with me." 

• Permissive parenting where we don't have any boundaries or let kids "do whatever they want to" or discipline.  The word discipline actually means to teach.  In Positive, Peaceful Parenting we are constantly teaching and learning alongside our child while still honoring our connection and relationship as well as setting boundaries based on family values and kids and adults make agreements to hold these boundaries. 

• Authoritarian Discipline-where the parent holds power in the relationship by threats or causing fear.

Power Struggles (we've all been there!)

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child. 

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own. Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust. 

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions. 

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard. 

This is not a case for permissive parenting. 

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented. 

When my kids were little, I found myself watching the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.) 

I implemented her methods with gusto. 

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your brother, or else… 

Time out. 

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.   

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again. 

The key is to learn to be a parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

I hope you have a better idea of what Positive, Peaceful Parenting IS and is NOT!  My future blog entries will further discuss specific strategies.  Please contact me if you would like to take my 12 week Peaceful Parenting course where we dive into how positive parenting skills could be implemented into your unique parenting journey.